<\/p>\n
Taff Down Under 22<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n A while back I was talking on the phone to me Mam. “Any news,” I asked, “Somebody forgot Mothers day again.” was the pithy reply.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Buggery. It\u2019s not my fault, they have Mothers day on a totally different day over here. So anyway, to make up for this heinous sin I decided to be a good son and send her some stuff on the Ozzie mother\u2019s day. I did an order online with “Interflora”. The deal was a bunch of flowers and a box of chockies. Fine.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n We also sent a card, a nice traditional Ozzie mother’s day card, and timed it to arrive on or about the same day as the flowers were due. No problem.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n We were also juggling both our mothers\u2019 birthdays, which happen in the week after mother\u2019s day. Our mothers were born two days apart, they both hit 70 this year, strange co-incidence eh?<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n So anyway, I rang me Mam on Ozzie mother\u2019s day, and the card and the flowers had both arrived, and were, and I quote, “lovely.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n No chocolates though. So we had our usual long chat……<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n I e-mailed “Interflora” and complained that the chockies hadn\u2019t arrived. They wrote back blaming it on “human error.” They offered to deliver a large box of chocks in compensation, I agreed.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Later that week I rang again. “Oh I got the chocolates, they were…..lovely.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Ok, so for Mary\u2019s birthday, her and her sister Wilma were spending the week down the coast, at the house we rent for Xmas. So we decided to spend the weekend with them. No problem.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Well one problem before we even started. LeeAnne got a phone call at work from a panicking Mum saying she\u2019d driven the 160 kilometres to the coast, but lost the keys for the house. They went through all the possibilities, up to and including CIA conspiracy and alien abduction, but after a brief “end-of-the\u2013world” discussion, she remembered leaving them at a bakery halfway between Canberra and the coast. Don\u2019t ask me why she needed a set of house keys in a bakery, I don\u2019t know. Anyway, she drove all the way back and got them, then back again to the house in time to collapse in a nervous heap.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n LeeAnne\u2019s ex, had given her a really nice car, a Mazda 626 station wagon, as he was fed up of seeing her drive Bethy around in our death trap Hyundai. He\u2019s a very nice chap like that.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Our “high and dry” has several cracks in its windscreen, drinks oil like petrol, and has random brakes, so I could see his point.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n So we set off from my work at 9.00 pm and headed for the coast.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Lovely having a car we could get all our weekend away kit, plus dog and cat in, without us having to sit on each others lap. Looking at the petrol gauge I saw the tank was also full of petrol. What a kind man, he\u2019s even filled it up for us! After ten minutes the “petrol empty” light started flashing. Luckily this happened while we were just within the city limits, another 20 minutes and we\u2019d have been bloody miles from a petrol station.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Ok, so the petrol gauge is knackered, but it\u2019s still a nice car, and he\u2019s still a nice guy!<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n We got down to the coast without mishap, and settled in for the night.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n The next day we did some shopping, went in the sea for a paddle, and had booze up in the evening. It\u2019s winter here, but it\u2019s still warm enough to go in the sea, just. We had some lovely sunsets too.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n On the Sunday it was my Mam\u2019s birthday, so I gave her a ring. The present I\u2019d ordered hadn\u2019t arrived; we\u2019d both got our mothers DVD\/Video combinations for their birthdays. The birthday card we\u2019d sent, one of those singing ones, with Rolf Harris doing a little ditty when you open it, had arrived though.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n “Oooh,” she says, “it\u2019s a lovely card, but why did you send two?” I puzzled over this, then answered, “we didn\u2019t.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n “Yes you did,” she replied, “one with the flowers and one with Rolf Harris.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n “Mam, the one with flowers on was an Australian Mother\u2019s day card, for Australian Mother\u2019s Day!”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n “Oh was it boy? I\u2019ll have to read it again.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Nice to be appreciated.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Slight deviation; Mary comes up with some crackers too. The other day her and LeeAnne were walking around one of the Lakes in Canberra. Naturally Le–Anne had taken our dim mutt with her. Mary also has a dog; a vastly overweight and arthritic black Labrador called “Chibby”. Chibby wasn\u2019t on this walk as “it would be too much for her.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n At one point on the walk Mary turns to LeeAnne seriously says; “I may buy a pram so that I can bring Chibby down to the lake and push her around in it, she\u2019d like that. What do you think?” LeeAnne\u2019s reply; “You really don\u2019t want to hear my answer to that question, mother.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n The next day we played “Crazy Golf” at a totally mad crazy golf place, and me and LeeAnne made up from the blazing row we\u2019d had the night before. Arguing is fun, but making up is much nicer.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n We went back to the beach and spent some more time in the sea, then me and Bethy took the dog along the coast for a walk. Half way round the bay, flying just over our heads was a magnificent sea eagle. I stood there in awe, until Bethy said, “I\u2019ve seen bigger ones than that.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n I pulled out my camera climbed up a sheer cliff face, fought my way through a wood infested with poisonous snakes and spiders, just in time for it to fuck off somewhere else. You\u2019ll have to take my word for it.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n We drove back on the Monday as LeeAnne had to go to work.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Talking about mother\u2019s day, the day before mother\u2019s day I was at work. I seem to work all the bloody weekends going at the moment. Anyway, I was cruising around looking for a gift for LeeAnne, and a card. Bethy always makes her own cards and she\u2019s very talented, so I haven\u2019t got to worry on that front. Well anyway, to cut a long very boring, story short, I was passing an electrical shop when I saw the perfect gift.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Before you start being smutty, it was a DVD player.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Why a DVD player you may ask?<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Well we\u2019ve talked about buying one for yonks, but that is all we do, talk. So this was a perfect excuse to go and buy one for all of us. They\u2019re as cheap as chips at the moment, and they seem to be re-releasing everything ever recorded on DVD.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n But by buggery they are good aren\u2019t they? At the moment we\u2019re watching end-to-end “Fawlty Towers” on DVD as Bethy loves the show. The picture and sound quality is superb, better than the original broadcasts even. We\u2019ve rigged ours through our stereo to get wide separation of sound too.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n And as I was saying, everything ever recorded is coming out on DVD, LeeAnne has her heart set on the complete series of “Catweazel”, Bethy wants all the Harry Potboiler films, and I\u2019m after the fourteenth episode of “International Gang-Bangs”.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Ok, I\u2019m lying a bit, what I really want is the whole “Boys from the Blackstuff” series on DVD. Put it on your “Xmas presents for Taff” list now. (But if you have “International Gang Bangs XIV on DVD, burn me a copy please?”)<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Oh, talking about DVD burners, guess what\u2019s next on my shopping list?<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Slight aside; last night we watched, much to LeeAnne\u2019s disgust, Cher\u2019s farewell Tour, on TV. It was a live show, with her doing a running video commentary between songs. Quote of the night was: “I have to do all these costume changes, otherwise all the drag queens in Miami will think I\u2019ve lost the will to live” The camera then cut to a large group of very suspect “Cher look-alikes” in the crowd.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n The stage show, and the dancers and acrobats, were phenomenal, the backing band were good even if the guitarist was trying to re-write the “heavy metal book of clich\u00e9\u2019s”. It\u2019s a bit pervy though a bird pushing 60 dressed up in leather and lace an prancing about like Britney? She\u2019s a fine testament to her surgeon. I thought it was fabulous, a camp spectacular, I simply must have the DVD, darlings. Me liking Cher? The world really is ending.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n The other thing that\u2019s great about DVD players is you can burn all your photographs onto a CD, and then view them on TV. It\u2019s bloody incredible the way that viewing your photos on the big screen brings them to life. It\u2019s not just the size of them, but with them being back lit really makes them more “alive”.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n I sent my mother a disk with 211 photos, mainly of us in Oz. Mam said that she enjoyed the scenic ones of Oz that I included. That was foolish of her as she\u2019s going to get another picture disk soon, jam packed with my scenic shots of Oz*. (approx. 1000 of them!)<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Remember I was telling you about the place I go mountain biking, the miles and miles of off road trails? (Course you do!) Well the other day this happened there;<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Good job I wasn\u2019t on the bike there at that point then?<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n I took LeeAnne and Bethy out for a spin the other day, back to revisit Booroomba Rocks, hopefully this time without any life threatening events. We stopped off at that lovely strange old village shop, the one I got the fizzy pop and chilli crisps at the last time.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n LeeAnne pointed out something I hadn\u2019t noticed; “The shop keeper obviously knows his clientele well, look at the stock.” Ok, so I looked around the shop, didn\u2019t notice anything odd. So when we got outside I asked her what she meant.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n “Well apart from the usual loaves of bread, tubs of marge did you notice anything odd?”<\/big><\/span><\/i><\/big><\/p>\n “Errm…Nope.”<\/big><\/span><\/i><\/big><\/p>\n I think you\u2019d fit in well around here then. He had one tooth brush, one tube of toothpaste, one deodorant, and one of several other items on sale.”<\/big><\/span><\/i><\/big><\/p>\n “Yes?”<\/big><\/span><\/i><\/big><\/p>\n “Oh that and fifty odd cases of Bundaberg rum.”<\/big><\/span><\/i><\/big><\/p>\n I had to go back in and check, she was right. I really must do something about my drinking you know.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n So we drove on towards the rocks, I pointed out where I had parked my car, and then we drove the 5 K to the car park where I\u2019d accosted the old couple. LeeAnne, to be fair, didn\u2019t hit me once. I think even she was in awe of the distance I\u2019d hobbled, and the unkindness of the people who had refused me a lift, even if I did look like Freddy Krugers less handsome brother.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n We set off up the last 1\u00bd K to the point where I had taken my tumble, I wanted to see if there was any blood on the rocks still. But Bethy got tired halfway there, so we came back.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n The other day was a public holiday, but I was working. On public holidays, we normally work 9.00 am to 5.30 pm, not on this one.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n I was working with a diamond geezer, and a superb nurse. One of our last calls of the day was to a young lad who we knew was going downhill a bit and who we suspect was not exactly compliant with his meds. We got there and Jim (not his real name of course) let us in.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n We started a conversation which gradually got more and more bizarre. He started telling us how he had taken to closing his eyes while driving at high speeds around Canberra. He knew this was safe as, he is “totally invulnerable” as “God is protecting me”. When we asked how he knew this, he told us that he had been having long conversations with god, mainly via the TV. Ok, dodgy.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n He then went on to tell us that god had given him a specific role. When we asked what that role was, and we should have guessed this shouldn\u2019t we, it was of course the role of the “Angel of Death.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n This role mainly seems to consist of driving at high speeds with your eyes shut, listening to god on the TV, and, naturally, waiting for god to tell you who he wants killed.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Ok, worrying enough so far?<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n I spot, just next to the sofa Jim is sitting on, something vaguely and unsettlingly, familiar sticking out.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n “Erm, Jim mate, what\u2019s that sticking out from next to the sofa?”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n “That\u2019s mine, I take it everywhere, just in case I get the call.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n He pulls out a cheap, but big and sharp, Japanese katana. (Sword)<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Ooops!<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Ok, so I ask him if I can have a play with it as I have a background in martial arts. He agrees. I consider legging it for the door once I\u2019ve got my hands on it, but the thought of struggling with him when we have that between us isn\u2019t appetising.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n I reluctantly return it, giving the nurse the nod that says “yes it is a fucking dangerous bit of kit, let\u2019s leg it, pronto.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n So we do the; “We\u2019d like you to come to the hospital with us, so the doctor can have a look at you, see if you need anything else in terms of medication,” routine. This roughly translates into; “we\u2019d like you to come to hospital where we can smack you with a liquid cosh and bang you up for a few weeks.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Unfortunately he is wise to that as he\u2019s been given the “valium good night kiss” far too often.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Ok so we retreat tactically to the office, and get the SWAT routine going. The nurse gets the cops up to speed, I get the crisis service onboard, and we lay plans. The Nurse informs Jim\u2019s mum of our plans, as she\u2019s back from work and at home with him by now. We all meet a couple of streets back of the house. Three squad cars, eight cops, all armed, a paddy wagon, an ambulance, and two cars full of mental health staff.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n The nurse called the shots. “Me and Taff will go in, try and reason with him. If we can get him to come in voluntarily so much the better.” Head cop won\u2019t have it; “any situation where a weapon is involved has to have two officers minimum in on it.”<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Ok, the two of us and two plods go and knock on the door. Mother opens it and informs us that what we are doing is “against her better judgement.” Well sorry love, if the Angel of Death gets word from god that your daughter is to be sacrificed tonight, it wont be your “better judgement” that is up in court, but my clinical judgement, my career, and my livelihood. So get to fuck with you.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n I go in first, and catch the whole of the families flack. I get screamed at by sister, threatened by dad and brother, and cried at by mother. Water off a ducks back. This goes on for the best part of an hour, there are advantages to being half deaf. After they have spent this time venting at me, the nurse steps in and does the “Mr Reasonable” routine. In the end Jim decides to hand the cop his sword and come in the squad car with me and his dad to hospital for assessment.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n Outside, one of the cops tells me that I was very brave to take on his sister, her tongue being more lethal than the sword. Clever tosser.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n At the hospital my favourite consultant, does the assessment. Jim tells him all about the driving, the sword, the word from god, the voices on TV, and just to add some new twists to the plot, demons rearing up out of the patterns in his lounge carpet who tell him his family may be evil in gods eyes. We listen rapt, and dad shits himself.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n The consultant hits him with 30mg of liquid diazepam, and I get to go home, at 9:00 pm.<\/big><\/span><\/big><\/p>\n