{"id":906,"date":"2013-12-02T00:30:38","date_gmt":"2013-12-02T00:30:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fatbeetle.com\/blog\/?page_id=906"},"modified":"2016-03-29T03:01:44","modified_gmt":"2016-03-29T03:01:44","slug":"holiay-sketches-2013","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.fatbeetle.com\/blog\/?page_id=906","title":{"rendered":"2013 holiday: Llanelli. Charlie and Babara’s"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
1(Click on any image to go to the relevant gallery.)<\/h6>\n

Thai massages.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I booked two before leaving, both at my regular place.<\/a> One for the weekend before we flew, the other for the Friday after we arrived back. I made the mistake of saying at the first one \u201cOh, medium to hard\u201d,<\/em> to the question; \u201cHow hard would you like the massage?\u201d<\/em> (Stop tittering.) I never learn do I? So she took this as carte blanche to see if she could break my spine. And damn near succeeded. Don\u2019t get me wrong, it was very pleasant, well once she stopped it was, but I wrote on my calendar to ask for a \u201cvery soft\u201d<\/em> massage next time.<\/p>\n

Luckily, I did remember to ask for that, which amazed me. What also amazed me was that the massage was just as, if not more, effective. My back still cracked like cheap kindling being cut, and I still ended up three inches taller at the end of it. So I think I\u2019ll stick with soft massages from here on in. Oh, I only need one more, then the next is a freebee. I joined their club when they first opened, and they had a \u201cbuy five get one free\u201d<\/em> offer for the first customers, in perpetuity. Neat.<\/p>\n

Funnily enough, when we stopped off a Bangkok on the way over, they had a massage shop there. Unfortunately we were too fucked and fuckwitted for me to take advantage of that. On the way back however, I booked in for a half hour foot massage. After five minutes I was wishing I booked in for an hour and a half. The first thing the young Thai lass did was give me a bowl of steaming hot water to soak me tootsies in, she then attacked them with an old fashioned nail brush. I\u2019d have paid good money just for that. Then she spent 30 minutes wringing my feet, ankles and calves out. Pure bliss.<\/p>\n

Seriously though, think on this; you\u2019ve just spent 9 hours on a plane in cattle class. You have 11 hours on a plane to come, not to mention the 8 hours spent in the airport. Can you think of anything more blissful that having your feet massaged for 30 mins, (apart from having them rubbed for 90 mins.) Or a blow job. Damn she was good looking too, big tits for a Thai bird.<\/p>\n

Oh, when I got back, I found out that the massage had cost me the grand sum of $22.00, (12 quid UK.) If we fly back via Bangkok next time, I\u2019m having the full body two hour service. (Yes I will have the \u201chappy ending\u201d,<\/em> if it\u2019s on offer.)<\/p>\n

Starting off.<\/strong><\/p>\n

False start; as as soon as Bethy had driven us half way to the bus station, Lee-Anne realised she\u2019d left her phone at home. So back we went.<\/p>\n

The bus trip to Sydney was uneventful, apart from a bunch of people who were under the impression that the whole bus needed to know about their stay in Canberra. (Would it be racist to mention they were black, and screamed rather than talked?)<\/p>\n

Our stay overnight in the Sydney Ibis<\/a> was crap, though I did have my first beers of the trip, and in fact, my first beers for 9 weeks. A bit of a bugger really, I should have hung on ’til Blighty for a pint of good British ale. But what the hell, I was on holiday at last.<\/p>\n

The shuttle bus, from the hotel to Sydney airport, stank. Either someone was REALLY scared of flying, or a suicide bomber had gone off prematurely.<\/p>\n

I phoned my mother from Sydney airport, just to let her know we were soon to be flying; she spent the next 15 minutes moaning about how she\u2019d caught a cold. \u201cWe won\u2019t be visiting you then,\u201d<\/em> I didn\u2019t say.<\/p>\n

Flying over Australia at 500mph, it still takes 3 \u00be hours to get from one end to the other.<\/p>\n

I watched some TV shows I\u2019d seen before (Top Gear and Heston\u2019s Fantastical Feasts,) as there was sod all else worth seeing. Then I watched highlights of the Lions Tour of Australia, just to piss Lee-Anne off.<\/p>\n

I watched the new Star Trek movie<\/a>, as it had Benedict Cummerbatch in it. It was shite. Why they needed to have Spock going all gushy and emotional is beyond me. And riddle me this, if we have cars which can park themselves, already now in 2013, how come the shuttles on the enterprise need manual steering? Oh, Simon Pegg as \u201cScottie\u201d was totally over the top, but good value.<\/p>\n

The wait in Bangkok Airport<\/a>, all fucking 8 hours of it, was hell. It was alleviated by watching an Orthodox \u00a0Jewish geezer saying his prayers, he was speaking aloud and doing the head-banging thing that they do<\/a>. From where I was sat it looked like he was having a conversation with the air-conditioning unit. I made up imaginary conversations; \u201cSo, you\u2019re an air-conditioning unit, come here often? Are you circumcised?\u201d<\/em> The only other entertainment on offer was some large screen TVs. Unfortunately the only thing showing was an hour long news report, on farmers striking for better rice prices. In Thai. When this ended it just played again from the beginning again. I got bored with it after three plays.<\/p>\n

Me and Lee-Anne played; \u201cSpot the ladyboy<\/a>\u201d to pass the time. We saw lots, fascinating creatures..<\/p>\n

I bought a bottle of Thai whisky, called \u201cHong Thong<\/a>,\u201d I kid you not.It cost less than the coffees we had bought. In fact it cost less than one cup of coffee. So you can imagine how good it was. I couldn\u2019t even get Howard to drink it.<\/p>\n

I managed about 4 hours kip on the next flight, which was a relief. I watched \u201cWhitehouse Down,\u201d<\/a> which was utter arse. One of the Air stewards enlivened the flight by giving someone a right old bollocking for something.<\/p>\n

Heathrow<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

Ok, so we get into Heathrow, and after various minor traumas we get into the UK itself. I came in on my Aussie passport again, no drama, I\u2019m still welcome.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a funny bloody thing having two passports; shall I be a Pom or a banana bender today?<\/p>\n

Take a shuttle bus\u00a0 to the car hire place. There a very nice young man, eastern European as everyone employed and east of Swindon seems to be these days, tries flogging us extras. We refused, but, as we will see later, we should have taken up some \u201cinsurance excess cover”<\/em>. But, as I put to him, politely at first; \u201cI spent many weeks and much trouble buggering about on the internet, (mainly at work,) and this was the best deal I could find at \u00a3545.00 for the forty days we are domiciled here. The extras you\u2019ve tried to foist on us would cost another \u00a3400.00+, thus making a mockery of my thrift.\u201d<\/em> (Ok, I was jetlagged, I get a bit Dickensian when I\u2019m jetlagged.) He got the point. Eventually.<\/p>\n

Driving out of Heathrow? Bugger me, even the GPS got confused.<\/p>\n

Llanelli.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Our digs were fine<\/a>, situated on the ground floor of the blocks we usually stay in. The guy letting it out to us, gave us\u00a0 day\u2019s stay for free, which was nice of him. The only downside of it was the water bed. Though after 31 hours of flying and Bangkoking, topped off with a generous serve of \u201cPenderyn Welsh whisky<\/a>\u201d, I would have slept on a clothesline. We were up at 4.00 am, like fucking larks. And the second day too.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Us at 4.00 am<\/p>\n

Later at the Tesco there we bought sim cards for phones and Ipads. We also bought a \u201cmobile wifi hotspot\u201d which never worked all the time we were there, and got slung in the bin in London.<\/p>\n

The Gym debacle.<\/strong><\/p>\n

The last time we were in Llanelli, you may recall, we signed up for \u201c12 days for 12 quid\u201d<\/em> at the DW gym<\/a> there. This time there was no offers on, the cheapest deal was one month for \u00a350.oo. Each. Lee-Anne said I looked so sad at hearing this, and so she said we should sign up and see how many times we could go, and thus reduce the “cost per session\u201d<\/em> down to something reasonable. In the eight days we were there, \u00a0I went 13 times, thus paying \u00a33.84\u00a0a session, Lee-Anne went 12 times at \u00a34.16 a session. That\u2019ll learn them.<\/p>\n

Oh remember this event from our last trip? \u201c<\/i>I was walking into the changing room, when a guy approached me; <\/i>\u201cAlan mun, how\u2019s it going? Haven\u2019t seen you for years!\u201d<\/em> Normally I hate it when that happens,\u00a0when you haven\u2019t got a clue who you are talking to. This geezer obviously knew me and my family, so that\u2019s a start. I rabbited on about nothing in particular; <\/i>\u201cYou still living in Plymouth?\u201d<\/em> he asked. I haven\u2019t lived in Plymouth since 1986, so it\u2019s obviously been a while since he saw me. Then I looked closer at his eyes, they were the lightest shade of blue I had seen since;<\/i> \u201cBeau!\u201d<\/em> Beau (or Bow, I don\u2019t know which way he spells it,) real name Anthony Evans, and me had gone to infants, junior and grammar school together, though we were never close mates. I must have last seen him in 1980 or so.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

I met Beau again on our last day at in Llanelli, same place, same conversation, to the letter. I pointed this out to him; \u201cYou\u2019re right. I must stop drinking so much,\u201d <\/i>he replied.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/i>Oh, while back in Australia, I had been \u00a0watching on youtube a documentary on the meth scene in Llanelli, (it beats watching Aussie TV.) While at the gym I bumped into the guy who runs the program, and one of the clients. I got talking to them, just to say \u201c it\u2019s a small world\u201d<\/em> etc. Turns out its smaller than I thought, Alan, the guy runs it, was born next door to me, and we knew each other as toddlers.<\/p>\n