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<\/a><\/p>\nNot many images in this month’s diatribe, so click on the one above, or any of the ones below, if you’re interested in seeing the snaps in this month’s\u00a0gallery. (Go on, you know you want too.)<\/span><\/p>\n How\u2019s your health Taff?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Buggered as per norm mate.<\/p>\n I went to see the quack a few weeks back, did the normal tests, and the results were, at first, promising. My cholesterol was down from astronomically high to just stratospherically high. The statins must be working then.<\/p>\n She told me I needed to up my intake of Vit D supplements, (the sunshine vitamin FFS,)<\/span> as my Vit D level was still too low, but at least the levels were at recordable levels now.<\/p>\n Then we get to the liver function, and the cheeky cow starts asking me the questions we use on our punters to check if they are alkies! I\u2019m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. (No offence meant to my mates who are in AA, you know who you are.)<\/span>\u00a0She asked me if I; \u201cEver have an eye opener,<\/a> to get you going in the morning?\u201d<\/em> I was on the verge of being insulted, but seeing as I have asked innumerable people that myself, I took it on the chin. No I haven\u2019t, ever, not once, in case you are wondering. Have you ever read Frank Skinner’s <\/a>or Keith Chegwin\u2019s <\/a>autobiographies? Their descriptions of the times \u00a0when they were so addicted to booze that they were keeping bottles of Scotch (Chegwin,)<\/span> or bottles of Pernod (Skinner,)<\/span> next to their beds in order to get functioning in the morning, is enough to put anyone off alcohol for life. Seriously, if I ever found myself doing that I\u2019d quit alcohol forever.<\/p>\n But she convinced me that my intake was still too high. Bollocks. Have a \u201cDry July\u201d<\/a> anyone? I did. Well I nearly did. Fuck off.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve been given a liver MRI scan form, and another blood test path form, and have to get both done before going back to see her in September.\u00a0So after this good news, only then did I catch the flu. (Not “man flu”, real fucking flu.)<\/span><\/p>\n I noticed something was wrong on the Friday night. I was the only one on duty that evening, and, as is my wont, I bought myself in a big bag of fish and chips to make it bearable. I\u2019d just finished the lot, when\u00a0… BOAK!!!…<\/strong><\/em> Up they all came again, all over the office floor. Pretty lucky I was the only one working then in that case.<\/p>\n That was odd, but I just put it down to a bad bit of fish or something. I cleaned up the office floor. Stupidly, I cleaned up using some unlabeled cleaning stuff that I found under the kitchen sink there. I ended up with the carpet around my desk at least four shades lighter than the rest of the office carpet. Now every fucker wants clean carpet on their patch.<\/p>\n The next two days were my day off, but by the Sunday I was feeling well out of things. I took the dogs for a walk, driving back I realised \u00a0I should not be behind the wheel. Mainly due to the fact that\u00a0I was starting to hallucinate. Getting home I dried off the dogs, and went in. I stuck my camera bag in the laundry, and took the dog towel into the computer room.<\/p>\n I then took the dog towel to the laundry, and retrieved my camera kit from in there. Lucky I didn\u2019t stick it in the washing machine. (That\u2019s Lee-Anne\u2019s job.)<\/span><\/p>\n I knew I was going down, so I phoned into work and let them know I couldn\u2019t cover my next few shifts. I decided to get a sick cert there and then, while I was still crook. Going to see the quack when you have just recovered is a nightmare, I end up make myself ill just to look\u00a0convincing when I\u2019m trying to get signed off. Seeing as it was a Sunday, I decided to use the “drop in centre” doctors<\/a>, as my surgery wasn\u2019t open, and they always have a waiting list of some days before you can get seen there.<\/p>\n I rocked up to the walk in centre at midday, signed up for seeing a GP,and was told; “There\u2019ll be about a 5o minute wait.\u201d<\/em> No worries, I popped home had a cuppa and grabbed my Kindle, I went back within half an hour.<\/p>\n Three and a half hours, and a flat Kindle battery, later, I got to see a GP. He signed me off without hesitating, and relieved me of $70.00 for the service.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n How\u2019s the new car going Taff?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Not too shabby to be honest. But!! When we took it to the garage to get it serviced, inevitably they had a trick up their sleeve; \u201cIt\u2019s just clocked up 300,000 kilometres Taff, when did it last have a new timing chain fitted?\u201d<\/em> Fucked if I know, nothing was said about one on the sale receipt. Subarus are notorious for going through timing chains<\/a>. Just to be on the safe side we had a new one fitted. At $900.00 a go.<\/p>\n Let’s just say we paid $3150.00 for the “new” motor then, shall we?<\/p>\n But it\u2019s been going great guns, and is now known as \u201cJoan\u201d<\/em>, as we thought calling it \u201cNew Gregg\u201d<\/em> was particularly unimaginative. Why Joan? The last four letters of the number plate are JO4N. <\/strong>Neat eh?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Dealt with any idiots recently Taff?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n How about this one? In our office a girl, who had relocated from another service, had just started working with\u00a0the kiddies mental health team. I sent a reply to a notification from them, which arrived via our medical records service<\/a>. She called me over to her work station.<\/p>\n Her; \u201cYou haven\u2019t marked the message we sent you as \u201cread\u201d.\u201d<\/em><\/span> So, before I started thumping her, I walked off. I talked to my\u00a0boss, explained the problem to her, and left her to explain it to the idiot. Half an hour later, they were still going.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Have you been racist recently Taff?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Not quite, but nearly.<\/p>\n We had this rather stunning looking Thai nurse, (don\u2019t ask, I didn\u2019t check,<\/a>)<\/span> in our team for a few weeks. Thea is a Thai nurse who has just moved over here and was doing the in-service experience \u00a0she needs for registration in Australia. (Been there, done that, got the sweaty T-shirt.)<\/p>\n I took her out for a spin, to see one of my clients who was quite unwell. On the way back she was chatting away, happily until I turned onto a bit of three lane highway, then she shut up.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s up Thea?\u201d<\/em> I asked, stupidly. \u201cOh, I don\u2019t like this bit of road. I drive this way to the office most days. Nearly every day people race up behind me and flash their lights and beep their horns, it\u2019s not good. They swear and shout as they pass me.”\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Oh god, ok, I\u2019ll bite. \u201cThea, that\u2019s a very odd thing for people to do, seeing as this is a stretch of road with \u201cpoint to point\u201d speed cameras.<\/a> When they do this, how are you driving exactly?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Totally without guile she replied; \u201cOh I know I am not a good driver, so I drive very slowly, about 60 kmph!\u201d<\/em> Ok, anything else? \u201cI always make sure I am in the right lane to turn right from the start of this road.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Oh dear, I had guessed as much, an Asian style driver, what else? You can call me “racist” now if you want.<\/p>\n In Australia, Asian drivers have a, (well deserved,)<\/span> reputation of being bad drivers. And here we had\u00a0a cute young Thai bird, driving, probably not too well \/ very fucking badly, at 60 kmph, in an 80 kmph, speed camera regulated area, in the outside lane of a three lane\u00a0road, during rush hour and she wonders why people are getting a touch irate with her?<\/p>\n Beam me up Scotty.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n How\u2019s the holiday plans coming on Taff?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n They were coming on not too bad actually, but then Nicol HAD to throw a spanner in the works.<\/p>\n But before that, we had a bit of luck.<\/p>\n I was filling out the online\u00a0planning calendar, which I do each trip, (just to waste time at work,)<\/span> and was looking at our Qantas plane tickets, to get time and dates right, (unimportant things like that bug me for some reason.)<\/span><\/p>\n It was only then that I realised that our outward journey was Sydney-Dubai-London<\/em><\/strong>, but the return journey was London-Dubai-Melbourne-Sydney<\/strong><\/em>, with a 10 hour wait in Melbourne. This would be a right pain in the arse to have on the flight home, as we would need to get back to Canberra\u00a0from Sydney, by bus, on top of that.<\/p>\n Bollocks!! I though I may as well bite the bullet, and see how much it would cost\u00a0to change our flights, or if it was \u00a0even possible to do that without ending up having to buy a\u00a0737, in order to\u00a0fly direct back from Melbourne to Canberra. I rang Qantas, and spoke with a lovely young lady rep. \u201cOoh, I see your dilemma! Let\u2019s see now, I can get you a direct flight from Melbourne to Canberra, but you\u2019ll still have a wait in Melbourne.\u201d<\/em> That\u2019s not too bad, thought I.<\/p>\n \u201cJust bear with me a second. Look, for not much extra I can get you onto a flight from Canberra to Sydney, at a return ticket rate, for your outward flight as well. Would that be better?\u201d<\/em> Yes, that would be much better.<\/p>\n \u201cOk, so for the two flights for both of you, that would cost $280.00 each.\u201d<\/em> Bugger, that\u2019s a fair whack. I asked her to hold the line, and went and asked Lee-Anne what she thought. Lee-Anne being far less parsimonious than me, she bit my arm off; \u201cGo snap up those fucking tickets up, quick before she changes her mind!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n So I went back and gave her the go ahead. \u201cYou\u2019re in luck, due to changes in departure location, you\u2019re actually down as a Canberra departure now, I can credit you back a bit of your airport and other taxes.\u201d<\/em> Many thanks young lady!<\/p>\n Due to the refund in Airport and departure taxes, we now fly from Canberra, with our bags checked through to London on the way out, and back to Canberra on the way in, (which is a MAJOR blessing, trust me on this,) which also saves us paying $120 each in bus fares to and from Sydney, for the grand price of $80.00 each. We\u2019re actually up on the deal!!!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So what did Nicol do? (Those who don’t know Mark Nicol, just think; “personification of the term “twat”<\/em>)<\/span><\/p>\n Bah!<\/strong><\/em> I spoke to him on the phone one night, on one of my \u201cI\u2019m pissed, let\u2019s phone the UK,\u201d<\/em> nights. Discussing the forthcoming UK trip, (we were in the process of booking accommodation at the time,)<\/span> he informed me; \u201cOh, well when you\u2019re in Devon, we\u2019ll be in Portugal, we\u2019re spending the winter in Spain, France and Portugal, in our campervan.\u201d<\/em> This is all part of his madcap retirement scheme. It\u2019s ok to hate him. Most people do.<\/p>\n As I was pissed at the time I found missing him unacceptable, so we changed our whole itinerary, just to fit him in.<\/p>\n So the plan is now, (very roughly,)<\/p>\n Fly to Heathrow, pick up hire car.<\/span> Sounds like a good break, but I think there’s a good chance Lee-Anne\u2019s going to have to drug me to get me out of Cornwall.<\/p>\n Christ on a pogo stick, the $Au\u2019s has been doing us no favours!<\/a> It\u2019s been dropping against the pound faster than Aussie wickets against Stuart Broad. Last time we were over, back in the murky depths of September 2013, we would get 60p for every dollar we exchanged, today it stands at 47p, and falling. Now 13p may not sound much, but if you multiply that by the $10,000 we brought over last time, it\u2019s a difference of some \u00a31,300 spending money.<\/p>\n Last time we were over , what with the $Au at a historically high rate , we were living high on the hog, fine dining wherever and whenever we fancied. This time we\u2019ll be coming round to your houses for our supper, and bringing doggy bags. We may end up checking out the fucking local food bank scene!<\/p>\n If any of my British mates are thinking of coming over here in the not too distant future, (some fucking chance eh Jamesy?)<\/span> I’d advise them to start buying dollars now.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Been enjoying the cricket Taff?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n What do you think? I\u2019ve been loving it. Lee-Anne not so much.<\/p>\n The funniest thing happened when I was out at a classical music concert seeing \u201cI Fagiolini”, (see below for details,)<\/span> half way through the second act, Debbs Midwinter sent me a text, which read; \u201cAre you watching this?\u201d<\/em> Which made me think either England had been copping a hammering, or….<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t leave before the concert ended, but I was tempted too. As soon as I got out into the foyer, I texted back; \u201cPut me out of my misery, tell me the score!!\u201d<\/em> she replied; \u201c7\/46 Broad got 5 wickets so far\u201d<\/a><\/em> Even though I hammered it home, they were down to the last pair by the time I got in. Lee-Anne didn\u2019t look like she was enjoying the game.<\/p>\n Want to know the best thing though? In a moment of utter madness, in the week before the Ashes started, I slung $10.00 on England to win. Ok, the winning won\u2019t pay for our holiday, but it\u2019s been fun waving the slip about the office.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Seen anybody Taff?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Yes, the lovely Debbie Midwinter came and had a stay with us. She\u2019d been down to the snow for some skiing and larks, and was stopping off in Canberra on her way back to Sydney, so we got to catch up. Lovely to have her over for a night, and a damn good excuse to break my \u201cDry July\u201d idea. Which I did in style, natch. Thanks Debs.<\/p>\n Next month Sean, my \u201cgunslinger guitarist for hire\u201d<\/em> mate and his band, \u201cThe Rogue Scholars\u201d<\/em><\/a>, are playing just outside Sydney. I\u2019m hoping for a trip up to see them, and him.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/_d_improd_\/insane_f_improf_400x440.jpg\" "\\"\\"")
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\n Me: \u201cYes I have.\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cIt\u2019s showing on my screen as \u201cunread\u201d.<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: (Stroll over to her screen,) \u201cThat\u2019s my reply, you need to mark it read yourself\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cBut I didn\u2019t send you the original message, why am I getting the reply?”<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cThe system doesn\u2019t send replies to individuals only to teams.\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cSo why have I got it?\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cBecause I replied to a message sent by someone in your team.\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cBut I didn\u2019t send the original message, so why have I got it?\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cBecause I replied to a message sent by someone in your team, and the system doesn\u2019t send replies to individuals, only to teams.\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cBut why is it still showing as unread?\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cBecause you haven\u2019t marked it read.\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cBut I didn\u2019t send you the original message, why am I getting the reply?\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cBecause the system doesn\u2019t send to individuals, it sends to everyone in a team.\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cYou need to get this sorted out!\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cWTF?!?! I<\/strong> need to get it sorted out? Why?!?!?\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cBecause I didn\u2019t send you the original message, so why am I getting the reply?”<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cWhich part of \u201cthe system doesn\u2019t send to individuals only to teams,\u201d do you find confusing?\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cCan you mark it as \u201cread\u201d?\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cCertainly,\u201d<\/em> (lean over , click \u201cmark as read\u201d on her screen.)<\/span>
\n Her: \u201cThat\u2019s no good, it now shows I\u2019ve read it, I wanted it to show you\u2019d read it.\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: \u201cI wrote it!!!!\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Her: \u201cBut how does it know you wrote it?\u201d<\/em><\/span>
\n Me: “*********\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n
\nDrive to Devon, spend a few days in Nicol\u2019s shed.<\/span>
\nCatch up with Pete & Kam on the trip up, maybe see John Otway in Frome.<\/span>
\nDrive to Llanelli, so my mother can tell me how everything I\u2019ve ever done was wrong.<\/span>
\nSpend some time with Charlie & Babs, who will not speak ANY Welsh while I am with them<\/span>
\nDrive down to Sennen, just to make sure I spend the next few years yearning for the place. Janet Midwinter do not dare leave Cornwall during November. <\/span>
\nBack to Devon, spend time on the moors and with the Devon crew. Harness, you do get days off don\u2019t you. Nick and Suze, River cafe?<\/span>
\nMystery trip to round off.<\/span>
\nBack to Heathrow. <\/span><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/_d_improd_\/Scan_f_improf_267x299.jpg\" "\\"\\"")
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