{"id":2381,"date":"2017-05-07T05:29:27","date_gmt":"2017-05-07T05:29:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fatbeetle.com\/blog\/?p=2381"},"modified":"2017-05-09T05:03:12","modified_gmt":"2017-05-09T05:03:12","slug":"why-me-lord","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.fatbeetle.com\/blog\/?p=2381","title":{"rendered":"Why me lord?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was walking the dogs at Sheps<\/a> one night, there\u00a0was a lovely sunset promised,\u00a0and so I was hoping to get some landscape shots. I\u2019ve been a bit out of sorts with the old photography of late, not been arsed to do much of it at all, (some of you may be glad of this.) This is reflected in the gallery this month,<\/a> which contains\u00a0mainly phone camera shots.<\/p>\n

However I did get a lovely sequence of “Roo Boxing” shots one evening which I’m rather pleased with. (More in the gallery<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Anyway, back to the story. There was a young couple sat exactly where I wanted to shoot from, bollocks. So I moved to one side and set up. I\u00a0saw they were walking over, so put my hearing aid in case they were up for a threesome or something. The lad did all the talking, the bird just looked a bit gormless.<\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cThat\u2019s a nice camera you have\u201d<\/em>
\nMe:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cCanon 5D III, I\u2019m thinking of upgrading to a 5Dsr, you a camera buff too?\u201d<\/em>
\nHim:\u00a0\u201cNo.”<\/em>\u00a0….long pause…\u00a0<\/em>“Your dogs are nice, what are their names?\u201d<\/em>
\n(I got the impression now that he wasn\u2019t dealing from a full pack. So I thought I\u2019d best play along)
\nMe:<\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>\u201cHe\u2019s called \u201cSir Digby Chicken Caesar\u201d, he\u2019s called \u201cAnd His Faithful Sidekick Ginger\u201d, or Digby and Ginger for short.\u201d<\/em>
\nHim:<\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>\u201cOh, strange names, nice dogs though.\u201d<\/em>
\nMe:<\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>\u201cWell if you don\u2019t mind I\u2019d like to crack on with shooting the scene, before the sun sets.\u201d<\/em>
\nHim:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cI work down there, I like coming here for sunset\u201d.<\/em>
\n(He pointed downhill to Canberra\u2019s main sewage works.)
\nMe:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cYou work at the shitfarm?!?! Don\u2019t envy you there mate.\u201d<\/em>
\nHim:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cBut look at this view, we should praise the lord for such a wonderful evening.\u201d<\/em>
\n(Then it clicked; “Oh fuck, it\u2019s Ivan Jellical!!”)<\/a>
\nMe:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cAh well, like I say, the sun will soon set and I have more shots to take…..\u201d<\/em>
\nHim:<\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>\u201cYou wear a hearing aid, Jesus cures deafness, Jesus can cure anything, we look to Jesus as our doctor and Lord, praise him.\u201d\u00a0<\/em>
\nMe<\/strong>: “That\u2019s funny, I\u2019m sure I know of a few deaf or blind Christians.\u201d
\nHim:<\/strong> \u201cThere are many ways, to the Lord, but few are righteous.\u201d
\nMe:<\/strong> \u201cWut?\u201d
\nHim:<\/strong> \u201cWould you like to pray with us?\u201d
\n<\/em>Me:<\/strong> \u201cNo.\u201d
\n<\/em>Him:<\/strong> \u201cOh. Would you like a leaflet on our church?\u2019
\n<\/em>Me:<\/strong> \u201cNope\u201d
\n<\/em>Him:<\/strong> \u201cCan we sing for you.
\n<\/em>Me:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m going to fuck off right now. Don\u2019t sing, and you won\u2019t follow me if you know what\u2019s good for you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

So, leaving\u00a0them to admire the sunset over the shitfarm, I called the dogs, and off I jolly well fucked. Never did get a decent snap either.<\/p>\n

\n

A consequence of my\u00a0slight hearing problem, (or as it\u2019s better know, \u201cbeing deaf as a fence post.\u201d<\/em>) \u00a0is that we have the subtitles on when watching the TV. At the moment our favourite program is \u201cMasterchef Australia.\u201d<\/a>\u00a0Guess what? No Subtitles.<\/p>\n

\"Image<\/p>\n

One Sunday morning I thought I\u2019d ring the TV station and complain. So I did.<\/p>\n

There I was put through to some \u201cproduction manager\u201d<\/em><\/a> bird for the locality. \u00a0\u201cYeah, ok, thanks for letting us know your thoughts.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0She drawled, obviously not interested in the fucking slightest, she didn’t take my name, or phone number either. One of the most dismissive \u201cget fucked sunshine\u201d<\/em> replies I\u2019ve ever had. \u201cOk, if that\u2019s how you want to play it darling, let’s have at it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

So I wrote a little complaint, and sent it to the station, but then thought; \u201cFuck it, let\u2019s escalate this!\u201d<\/em> as I was a bit peeved.<\/p>\n

So I wrote to the shows sponsors, Coles.Harvey Norman, Devondale, Mondelez International, Cobram Estate IKEA. Swisse Wellness, Qantas, Diageo, SPC, Mazda Reckitt Benckiser.<\/em> I thought I\u2019d best include the show\u2019s stars and the production company, Endemol TV, and Win TV.<\/em> While I\u2019m at it, thought I, I\u2019ll write to the stars of the show; Gary Mehigan, George Calombaris and Matt Preston<\/em>. (Them three in the photo above.)<\/p>\n

I did sort of hint that, if they didn\u2019t start subtitling Masterchef I\u2019d be starting a social media campaign including all the disability rights, and other hearing loss organisations in Australia. ( I wrote; \u201cIf you don\u2019t start subtitling the show I\u2019d be starting a social media campaign and getting all the disability rights, and all other hearing loss organisations in Australia on your fucking arse!\u201d<\/em> Too subtle do you think?)<\/p>\n

Funnily enough, that very night, Masterchef started broadcasting with subtitles for the hard of hearing. Coincidence?<\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

I was bumping my gums about technology the other day, how I\u2019m still a bit shell shocked by it all? Remember I was telling you that I\u2019d invested in some new music making software, and threatening you with tunes?\u00a0 Think on this. The software I use<\/a> has stepped up my production of “miserable droning bollocks, masquerading as music”,<\/em> immensely you won\u2019t be pleased to know.<\/p>\n

How? Well with the new kit I work this way.<\/p>\n

I get an new idea for a tune in my head, so I hum it into the voice recorder of my phone. I download the humming onto my computer, and open it in the new software. \u00a0This can convert the humming noises I make into actual piano notes. I then use another facility in the software to bring\u00a0those notes into a single key, (my humming is as tuneful as my singing, for those of you who have suffered it.)\u00a0 I then use a bit of the kit to convert these notes into chords in that key. I boot up my samplers,<\/a> and these play the notes as perfect reproductions of any instrument I choose. At present I have something of a fetish for harp and violin\u00a0based tunes, like this one I finished today.<\/p>\n

Click on the icon below, if you’re brave<\/p>\n