7.00 pm Friday night.

Telephone…

"Good evening Sky venture paragliding"

"Ah yes, Mr Wilberforce, I did speak to the company concerned. "

"Yes I agree. But while they agree with you that your glider was covered for normal wear and tear for the first year, they’ve declined to replace it.

"‘Yes… I understand that the fabric didn’t stand up to your idea of normal use for it, but the company do not think that giving you an entirely new canopy in exchange for the one you bought six months ago is good policy"

"No Mr Wilberforce, I don’t think they are cheating you. It’s just that when you landed in the tree, and had to be cut out of it by the fire brigade, it definitely rendered your warrantee void"

"I’m sorry if you think that Mr Wilberforce, and yes I will look forward to hearing from your solicitor"

 

7.45 pm.

 "Good evening Sky venture paragliding"

"And good evening to you too Brian, let me guess"

"Ah yes, you do wish to cancel tomorrows introductory day…again"

"Yes I realise you’re sorry, and yes this is the seventh time you’ve cancelled."

"Yes, I do know the course wasn’t your idea, and that your father paid for you to come in the hope that it would "make a man of you". I also realise that it’s not your fault you have vertigo, a fear of open spaces, a weak bladder, a fear of sheep, and spots"

"No, not at all Brian, your fathers cash is still good for the days training, whenever you feel you are up to it come along"

"I’m sorry too Brian, I only wish I could tell your father for you, but that’s not really my job now is it"

"No Brian, I have never thought you are gay."

"Good night to you too"

 

8.50 pm.

"Good evening Sky venture paragliding"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Yes Mr. Nicol"

"Goodnight Mr. Nicol"

 

10.35 pm.

"Good evening Sky venture paragliding"

"I’m sorry Sue I didn’t catch all of that. Can you start from the beginning again please, one question at a time?"

"No Sue, as I have already told you four times, you’ll have to find someone to take care of the dog for you. No it’s not appropriate to bring Mr Wuffles with you."

"No Sue, I don’t mind what you wear, as long as it’s warm and covers you appropriately. I’m sorry I don’t know what colour canopy you will be using, and yes there is a chance it may clash with your outfit."

 

"Sue, paragliding harnesses do not make you look fat"

 

"You can bring what ever food you wish Sue, as long as you can carry it yourself, and bring sufficient water."

"No Sue, I don’t think a wicker hamper is a good idea even if it is the best David Jones has for sale."

 "Your choice in what make-up to wear is entirely up to you, I’m not really qualified to offer advice on that. But please bring plenty of sun-block."

"No I don’t mind if it’s the nice jazzy peach coloured sun-block you bought for your yachting trip"..

"Goodnight to you too Sue, and yes I did say 7.30 am at the car park"..

 

Saturday

7.30 am. Broken Tree Hill car park.

"G’day, for those of you who don’t know us. My names Geoff, and I’ll be your instructor for the day. My mate here Bill is a trainee instructor, and he’ll be lending a hand. The day looks good so we should be getting you up in the air by the end of it. Any questions?"

 "Yes Mr. Nicol, an occluded front reaching the Tasman Sea would have that effect on the current climatic conditions, but let’s not worry about it yet.

Yes I do know that the bureau of meteorology has posted such a forecast on it’s website, and thank you for your long and detailed explanation of it, but as I said, no worries eh?"

  "No Charlie, you are not going straight to the top, so you can "jump off", as you so eloquently put it, I’m afraid you have to do some training in the use of the equipment first."

 
 "No need to worry Mrs. Williams, I’m sure you’ll be able to participate even without your dentures."

 "Ok, so if you all jump in the Land Rover, we’ll drive to the foot of the hill."

"Pardon?"

"Yes Mr. Nicol is does have the standard transfer case low-land ratio of – 3.32:1. gearing, and yes that is good for off road if you use the differential lock. Thank you so much for reminding us."…

Saturday

8.30 am. The foot of Broken Tree Hill

"Yes Mr. Nicol you may use your own equipment rather than the schools. But, as I said to you when you told me of your intention to purchase these items over the Internet, they may have been the best glider, harness, reserve and instruments of their day, but that day is sadly long past."

"Mr Nicol, tears aren’t going to help now are they? If that rip in your glider were any bigger you’d have two gliders.

"Yes Mr. Nicol, the schools gliders are the mark IV models that have now been superseded by the mark V. Thank you for sharing that bit of knowledge with us. I’m sure the rest of the group are fascinated by your explanation of the changes in wing aspect ratio and the design of the cell openings between the models. But at the moment I’m trying to explain to the group how they get their harnesses on"

 

  "Charlie, please could you not try to sneak up the hill with my equipment? You really do need to know how to fly before you take off, not vice versa."

 
 "Mrs Williams please don’t light up a ciggie when you are wearing the harness, it’s just that the ash makes such a mess… Oh, and I’d hate to have to charge you for repairs to the glider should you inadvertently burn it.

What? You burned yourself where?

I’ve got some spray in the Landy for it"

 
 

"Did that hurt Mrs Williams? I’m sorry; I know how difficult putting a helmet on can be. Still it’s not bleeding too badly. I’ll get you a sticking plaster from the car"

 
 "Bill, could you drive the Land Rover back to the car park, I think Sue may have arrived."

 

 

 

Saturday

8.30 am. Halfway up Broken Tree Hill.

"No Sue, I will not hold Mr. Wuffles for you. I think my attention should be on Charlie and his first flight, don’t you?

I’m very sorry if Mr Wuffles gets lonely when you aren’t holding him."

 
 
"Mr. Nicol you may borrow a school harness if you wish. I do think that your having one of your leg loops missing may be slightly dangerous."

 
 

"Yes mate can I help?

Yes, that’s my Land Rover with the paragliding advertising on it, I own the school and shop.

Sure I can sell you a paraglider, and I'll throw in some lessons free if you
buy a new one from me.

Um…around $5000-$7000 each depending on type, oh you'll need a harness
and helmet too, that'll bump it up a bit.

How much were you thinking of spending then?

Ummmm…That would buy you the helmet."

 
 

"Gently down on your left control please Mrs Williams. GENTLY! GENTLY….Oh, your other left please…"

 
 "Charlie, we’re to low on the hill for you to try a spiral dive, and this is your first lesson after all."

 

 "Yes Sue that is what you think it is, and it is Kangaroo as far as I can tell. No I don’t have a portable shower in the Land Rover."

 
 "Yes I saw you twist it when you landed Mrs Williams, is it swollen?"

  "Yes I know that buying over the Internet saved you $200.00, but it’s not really saved you a cent has it?

Yes you may borrow one of the schools gliders."

 

"Thank you Sue, very kind of you to offer. But as I’m a vegetarian, "pate fois gras, on garlic baguette with seared beef strips and Parma ham in blue cheese sauce with fresh parsley and cucumber", isn’t really for me.

Yes I realise you had them open the Deli early for you, but I’m still a vegetarian.

It was good of you to bring enough for the six of us and Mr Wuffles, but that hamper is a bit of a pain to lug about the site isn’t it?"

 
 
 

Saturday

8.30 am. Top of Broken Tree Hill.

"Ok guy’s this will be your last flights of the day, I hope they are good ones. " Watch Bill down in the paddock there, he’ll be signalling you in with those paddles. Can everybody mimic what he does now please?

[On radio]Go ahead Bill"

 "Mr Nicol, please follow what Bill was doing with the paddles.

Oh sorry you were. I thought you’d been attacked by a bee the way you jumped around."

 

 "Mrs Williams, can you actually see Bill?

No, I didn’t realise you’d forgotten to bring your glasses as well as your dentures."

 
 "Sue, there is no way you are flying down with Mr Wuffles tucked inside your harness like that, sorry.

Ok, I’ll bring him down in the Landy."

 

"Where’s Charlie?

Where?

Oh yes up over there.

He must have mistaken my telling him to "mimic Bill" for an instruction to take off.

I think he may now hold the height gain record for this site."

 "Yes mate, can I help you?

No sorry I don’t rent them out by the hour.

Oh I see, you’ve watched us training for the past thirty minutes, you’ve seen what you have to do, and you’d like to borrow a glider to have a go.

Sorry, but I can give you my card if you’d like to have some lessons.

Oh I see, it’s a piece of piss is it? And you know what to do, so I should give you a go.

Um, let me think about that. No.

Ok, so I appreciate you’re unemployed, and can’t afford my prices. But the answer is still no.

Ok, so you don’t like the way I run my school. So take your business elsewhere.

Same to you too.

Oh no I’ve lost the business of a deadbeat, me oh my, how will I survive"

 

"Mr Nicol I do not carry spare batteries for equipment. I have to say though that seeing as your vario has no needle on the dial, no electronics under the case, and the sensor is missing, it may not be the batteries that are the problem."

 

 
 "Sue, I don’t care if it does smell awful, please don’t wipe it off on the Land Rover seats."

 
 [radio] "Bill, once you’ve got this lot down can you drive over to Beaconsfield?

Yes I know it’s four K away, but apparently Charlie’s just landed there, and the farmer wants a hand getting him out of the barn roof."

 

 

Saturday

5.30 am. Broken Tree Hill car park.

"Ok Folks that’s your introductory day over, and thanks for attending. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. It will count towards your license, and will be credited to any further training you do. Any questions before I bid you adieu?"

 "Yes Mr Nicol, I can get you a quote for some second hand gear.

No I don’t want to hear your specifications for it, as the pub shuts in seven hours, and I think I may like to spend those hours there."

 "I believe I saw him chasing some Roo’s over that way about ten minutes ago Sue. By the way, your neck looks awfully red

Ah yes, easy mistake to make. I often mistake peach sorbet for my peach sun-block.

Yes that would explain those wasp stings"

 
 

"Ah Charlie, so glad you could rejoin us, alive. Would you like to know how much the damage to my equipment is going to cost you, or shall we save that treat for later."

 "Yes Mrs Williams I think you may have broken it, is it painful?"

 

1.00 am Saturday night.

Telephone…

"Good evening Sky venture paragliding"…

"Yes you have left a number of messages on my answer phone Mr Wilberforce."

"I didn’t answer them as I was down the pub getting drunk, and trying to sell my business."

"No your solicitor hasn’t been in touch."

"To be quite frank, after today I couldn’t give a flying….